Raising Exceptional Kids: The Parenting Power of Boundaries, Grace, and Guidance | Ep. 75 with Tim Welch

00;00;00;01 - 00;00;16;27

Unknown

Welcome to No Gray Areas in this enlightening episode. Join us with our special guest, life coach and educator Tim Welch, as we delve into the art of intentional parenting. Key principles to raise your kids by leading by example in all aspects of your life. Let's jump in.

00;00;26;23 - 00;00;29;16

Unknown

Well, welcome, Tim Welch to no great areas.

00;00;29;16 - 00;00;48;08

Unknown

We're going to actually talk about the importance of fatherhood. And I was thinking about cueing this up and and telling the audience that some of them that maybe aren't fathers, why they should keep listening. But then I thought, well, you actually will do a better job with that than I will. So why is it important that someone who might be listening right now and is saying, well, I'm not a father, why would I keep listening?

00;00;48;08 - 00;00;49;13

Unknown

Why is it important that they listen?

00;00;49;13 - 00;01;15;17

Unknown

You know, I think most men are should desire and are leaders. We're leaders. And whether we want to or not, someone's going to follow us. We have the ability, influence people along the way. Hopefully, first and foremost, as a dad, you'd want to influence your kids the most. But I find that some of these principles that that I've developed along the way and learned along the way that made me a better dad, also made me a better coach, also

00;01;15;17 - 00;01;16;22

Unknown

made me a better

00;01;18;29 - 00;01;19;07

Unknown

me.

00;01;19;11 - 00;01;20;02

Unknown

Yeah,

00;01;27;25 - 00;01;32;27

Unknown

in my powerful statement that you just said right there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Keep going.

00;01;39;01 - 00;01;40;02

Unknown

for me,

00;01;49;00 - 00;02;03;23

Unknown

principles. Yeah, this is why I'm excited about our interview today. You and I have had coffee a few times and every time we do I feel like we could go 100 different directions in our conversation because you say something or you just said three or four things there that we could do a whole podcast on, like leaders make leaders.

00;02;03;23 - 00;02;11;19

Unknown

That's so good. But what about, let's see, there's a woman driving in a car right now and she's listening to us. Why would she keep listening? We're talking about fatherhood.

00;02;11;19 - 00;02;18;23

Unknown

Well, unfortunately, what's true about today is that fathers are absent in a lot of ways, even if they're in the home. Sometimes they're absent

00;02;18;23 - 00;02;19;24

Unknown

Yeah,

00;02;54;24 - 00;03;05;13

Unknown

Oh, wow. Wow. Yeah. And you bring up an important point. I'm going to jump into that right now. That's a great segway, by the way, because I want to ask why you care so much about this.

00;03;05;15 - 00;03;27;20

Unknown

you and I have met for coffee a couple of times, we've often gotten on the importance of of manhood, fatherhood. But but I want to ask you, what led you your life journey? What led you to care so much about this issue? Because, again, you just mentioned it there briefly. You only you not only have learned these things from being a father, but you've actually been in the education world for a long time.

00;03;27;20 - 00;03;35;17

Unknown

So you've seen families and you've worked with families. So tell us a little bit about your journey and what led you to care so deeply about this issue.

00;03;35;17 - 00;03;50;16

Unknown

So the first thing I would say in all the time in education, if you gave me a classroom of 30 kids and let me be with them for about two or three weeks after that time, I will tell you where there is a divorce family.

00;03;50;18 - 00;04;03;13

Unknown

If there's something broken in this kid's life. I mean, you just know you see it, you feel it in their self-confidence and a lot of their characteristics. You just you pick up on

00;04;03;13 - 00;04;10;13

Unknown

it. And it's so true. I was a teacher and a coach for the first ten years of my work life in my twenties. And I would totally agree with what you're saying.

00;04;10;15 - 00;04;14;14

Unknown

You're saying within a few weeks you could see that. Oh yeah, yeah. And then fast forward

00;04;14;14 - 00;04;22;16

Unknown

to my job. The last eight years, I worked in a Christian school as a dean of students, where I dealt with brokenness all the time. Kids make poor decisions.

00;04;22;16 - 00;04;26;27

Unknown

It's kind of your job to deal with that, right? Is the dean was part of my.

00;04;27;00 - 00;04;27;21

Unknown

Yeah.

00;04;33;28 - 00;04;36;02

Unknown

how we got here. Mom

00;04;48;02 - 00;04;53;03

Unknown

You're just kind of rolling the dice to be a winning hand

00;05;14;29 - 00;05;17;18

Unknown

was out on the table to be authentic

00;05;38;22 - 00;05;44;10

Unknown

obviously not present. Yeah. So fast forward that to along with

00;06;03;26 - 00;06;06;00

Unknown

and challenges and victories.

00;06;06;00 - 00;06;08;09

Unknown

And yeah, coach, I screwed up and and

00;06;35;10 - 00;06;37;29

Unknown

of their biggest challenges with me? Yeah,

00;06;59;24 - 00;07;05;20

Unknown

so that so they could be that, yeah, even openness, which is their rightful role, right? Yeah,

00;07;15;20 - 00;07;25;17

Unknown

it what why do you think that that so many do push that away from that role? Why do you think that so many don't want that?

00;07;25;17 - 00;07;48;03

Unknown

because it's hard and they feel ill equipped. I mean, this this man who's this great leader goes into a corporation or a company that he owns and he and he's just the most wonderful, you know, great owner or boss to have. And then he comes home and things fall apart. He can't control things the way that he wants to.

00;07;48;07 - 00;08;03;26

Unknown

You don't control your kids like you do a company. It's hard. You have to sometimes be soft, sometimes be hard. You have to you have to listen. A lot of people are really successful in business. Well, they don't they don't like listening very well. They

00;08;03;26 - 00;08;04;08

Unknown

like.

00;08;04;10 - 00;08;06;19

Unknown

They tell their tellers, Yeah, yeah.

00;08;17;22 - 00;08;18;21

Unknown

Yeah, and you can't,

00;08;24;13 - 00;08;25;03

Unknown

kids.

00;08;25;06 - 00;08;47;22

Unknown

Tim, If if, if, if the listeners aren't watching us right now, they missed me smiling so big. When you started explaining this, because I have seen and heard that so many times. I love what you just said. There's a massive difference between leading a company or an organization and being a dad. You could be the most important. You know, I put it in quotes, the most important personal word, the president, United States.

00;08;47;22 - 00;09;07;03

Unknown

You come home, you just dad to those kids. Yeah, you could be running a huge corporation with thousands of employees and and, you know, corporations, magazines are writing articles about you come home and you're just dad. And the way you're leading that organization can't lead the same at home. That's what you're saying. Wow. In

00;09;07;03 - 00;09;24;29

Unknown

That I'll give you another principle that applies on work and home. It's different. You know, most owners or most people in the business world, they don't want people to see their flaws. They don't want to see where they make a mistake and check quickly if there's a mistake, everybody's working to, you know, build it back up and and get past it really quick.

00;09;25;01 - 00;09;30;07

Unknown

And obviously, if you want to make a profit, you're not going to let failure continue to happen. Right? You're going to move

00;09;30;07 - 00;09;32;03

Unknown

success.

00;09;54;23 - 00;09;58;07

Unknown

handed to you. You have to be, you know, these pinnacles

00;10;03;22 - 00;10;04;24

Unknown

to do.

00;10;04;26 - 00;10;05;27

Unknown

Failure,

00;10;10;15 - 00;10;14;15

Unknown

some of the greatest teachers, right? Oh yeah. Great teacher.

00;10;21;22 - 00;10;27;01

Unknown

we take them away from our kids. But then what you're saying is we don't let them see ours.

00;10;27;03 - 00;10;39;05

Unknown

Like you're saying. There's huge value in a child seeing whether they're young or a teenager or a young man or young woman seeing us is is a dad struggle with something and even fail? Absolutely.

00;10;39;05 - 00;10;51;20

Unknown

I don't think you can teach your kids better things than you going through a challenging part in your life. It could be the death of somebody. It could be the loss of a company. And they watch how you you handled that with grace, hopefully

00;10;51;20 - 00;10;56;20

Unknown

with faith and character watching you grieve it like that's okay to grieve it.

00;10;56;20 - 00;10;58;00

Unknown

Yeah, yeah, yeah. For

00;11;00;23 - 00;11;16;03

Unknown

Wow. You know, I look back and it's always a funny story that I used to tell on the stage a lot of times when I was speaking. It's a kind of a day that I lost it in front of my kids when they were really little. My kids are all adults now, but I threw a lawnmower and I mean, just toy loss was just embarrassing.

00;11;16;05 - 00;11;30;26

Unknown

Yeah, I just checked a lawnmower across the yard and then my middle child, my son, he was about six or seven at the time, and he thinks he's a comedian dead at the time. And he the first thing he says to me is like, maybe it'll work. Now, Dad, is it's leaking oil and gas. But I mean, it was just embarrassing.

00;11;30;26 - 00;11;46;18

Unknown

And the kids go into the house and they tell their mom, like, don't go in the backyard. Dad's toy lost it. But I went inside. When I finally got myself together and I, I had them all sit on the couch and I got on my knees in front of them. I said, I am so sorry. You know, what Dad just did was.

00;11;46;24 - 00;12;00;08

Unknown

But that's kind of what you're talking about. You know, sometimes you think you need to hide that from them. And even if we try to hide it, they're going to see it. Like there is no way I could hide that they saw it. So just admit it right? The humility and the So that's such a that's such a great point.

00;12;00;15 - 00;12;02;10

Unknown

Well put. Yeah. I

00;12;02;10 - 00;12;06;27

Unknown

actually think there are dads that do hide it from that failure from their kids.

00;12;07;00 - 00;12;10;01

Unknown

They want to think that I got to be perfect, got to have it all together.

00;12;10;01 - 00;12;11;09

Unknown

I think you're

00;12;13;20 - 00;12;18;13

Unknown

that. Well, yes, that's a great point. And I think would you agree with this or not?

00;12;18;16 - 00;12;36;07

Unknown

As they get older, though, they're going to start seeing through that because eventually you can't hide it like you. You'll try to hide some things. But as they get older and they start moving into young adulthood, they're going to see like, dad doesn't have it all together and they're going to struggle with the whole like, you know, you're wearing masks.

00;12;36;07 - 00;12;39;25

Unknown

And so, yeah, we hide it. And then they

00;12;39;25 - 00;12;44;19

Unknown

do see it. They absolutely see it. When you think you've covered it up, when you think you've moved past it.

00;12;44;19 - 00;12;46;08

Unknown

And no, they see it.

00;12;46;08 - 00;12;50;29

Unknown

Yeah, Yeah. And then that kind of the hypocrisy of it comes out eventually.

00;12;50;29 - 00;12;56;15

Unknown

Yeah. This is why I love talking with you. We could go so many directions, so tell me why you think fatherhood is so important.

00;12;56;15 - 00;13;11;23

Unknown

In our email discussion, you talked about stats. Like stats just seem to indicate the value of fatherhood and what we're seeing in our society today with the high, high percentage of absent fathers, even if they're in the home, like you said. So speaking to that a little bit.

00;13;11;23 - 00;13;26;28

Unknown

So there's two things I would say about that. Number one is, you know, we all have read if you go into any prison penitentiary or whatever, how many people are in there that had absent dad or didn't have a dad or never knew their dad.

00;13;27;00 - 00;13;28;15

Unknown

That number alone

00;13;28;15 - 00;13;30;28

Unknown

should motivate us as

00;13;35;22 - 00;13;38;02

Unknown

do to encourage

00;13;38;02 - 00;13;39;07

Unknown

dads would be in the home,

00;13;45;07 - 00;13;49;15

Unknown

silly. So they're the stupid ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Instead of being a

00;13;52;23 - 00;13;55;07

Unknown

ways. Yeah, you're right. We're not helping ourselves

00;14;19;19 - 00;14;21;02

Unknown

not full time

00;14;55;19 - 00;15;06;13

Unknown

Creating space that that phrase right there. So let's jump into that a little bit. I was kind of going to be a question a little further down here, but you talked about intentionality that's kind of goes along with that creating space.

00;15;06;13 - 00;15;09;09

Unknown

Right? So connect us for us. Yeah,

00;15;09;09 - 00;15;16;03

Unknown

like I say, most dads, but a lot of dads that I know are not intentional or they're intentional in specific places.

00;15;16;06 - 00;15;37;28

Unknown

If a dad had this same focus in his role as a father, as he does in business or work, our kids would be a lot better off. We kind of come home and want to decompress and then hope just our presence and our interactions with our kids make a difference. If I did that as a coach when I was a head coach,

00;15;37;28 - 00;15;39;13

Unknown

to show up in the practice

00;15;49;01 - 00;15;56;19

Unknown

Yeah. No one. That's foolish. That's foolish. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But that's exactly what we do. Wow. When we walk into our houses,

00;15;59;14 - 00;16;02;13

Unknown

here I am. Yeah, I'm going to be Dad. Yeah. And then

00;16;14;04 - 00;16;17;21

Unknown

go, fine. Yeah, yeah. I get a one word answer, really get good at

00;16;23;15 - 00;16;25;03

Unknown

What about your day was

00;16;46;06 - 00;16;47;08

Unknown

to give them the plan.

00;16;47;10 - 00;16;55;07

Unknown

Oh, work. We're exactly on plan to fix the problem that they're having. We have to have a solution for everything. Yeah.

00;17;19;09 - 00;17;36;19

Unknown

I actually believe that, that what you're saying is, is very applicable to the work world too, you know, and I think that a lot of times if we come to a decision because we came to the decision instead of just I'm the boss and this is what we're going to do, it works out better there, too.

00;17;36;19 - 00;17;54;25

Unknown

But but let me go back to you. You've probably three or four or five times now use the word listen, which I obviously you think that's a key part of being a good father. That is just listen, that takes a lot of self-discipline, because I think just as men, we're kind of like we even do it our wives.

00;17;54;27 - 00;18;00;10

Unknown

And you read in your book on husbands and wives and they say just sometimes, you know, just shut up and listen. Right.

00;18;00;10 - 00;18;01;24

Unknown

why is that so important?

00;18;01;24 - 00;18;14;27

Unknown

you're trying to teach your young person in your home to be an adult one day to make great decisions to solve problems. You're really preparing the child for the road. That's ahead.

00;18;14;29 - 00;18;19;16

Unknown

Sometimes what parents do is they they've got that wrong. They

00;18;19;16 - 00;18;33;13

Unknown

they prepare the road for the child. You emailed that to me, and I highly I have it highlighted right here in yellow. I was like I at that is good. We are we are pausing and spending some time on that one. So say that again so our audience doesn't miss it.

00;18;33;13 - 00;18;35;02

Unknown

That's so good.

00;18;35;02 - 00;19;10;10

Unknown

The as a parent, are you preparing the road for the child now where you're making it smooth and all the bumps and the holes, potholes and stuff taken out? Are you preparing the child to be successful on the road, regardless of which way it turns and what way it goes? I see that happen in schools all the time where, you know, Suzy didn't get quite the test grade she wanted or there's some conflict with the teacher and the parent wants to come in and just bulldoze everything.

00;19;10;13 - 00;19;31;05

Unknown

The best thing you could tell your are ask your kid if they come home and said, well, the teacher was unfair. Yeah. Or the assignment was or wasn't clear or whatever they're coming home with is what you can do about that. What do you can do about that. What are you going to do about that? I'll dialog with you, I'll give you some suggestions where what obstacles you feel like you're working through.

00;19;31;08 - 00;19;50;11

Unknown

We can dialog and that's good parenting, but instead we come in and we fix the problem. I love it when I call a parent when I was a dean. So, you know, I think we have a problem. And I said, Then when you come in my office and fix the problem, they say, What does my son need to do?

00;19;50;13 - 00;19;54;14

Unknown

Hmm. Thank you for your partnership. Here's what I think your son needs

00;19;54;14 - 00;19;56;00

Unknown

to do. Yeah, This is how

00;19;58;00 - 00;20;18;08

Unknown

So, yeah, my son's freshman football coach, back when he was. He's an adult now, but when he was playing freshman football, I'll never forget when I had the parent meeting at the beginning of the season and the football coach said, Listen, if you don't like the playing time or some other issues that you're having with your son, I don't want you coming and talking to me about it because your son is now a young man.

00;20;18;10 - 00;20;38;14

Unknown

You can talk to your son and but your son is the one who's going to come and talk to me about it. And I will never that was probably eight years ago now, and I still remember it. And he that coach was doing exactly what your you're describing is he was trying to help these young men learn what it means to be an adult and deal with problems yourself.

00;20;38;16 - 00;21;03;14

Unknown

And you're saying as parents, we need to do that. And that's part of what, listening? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. So so let me let me ask you two quick questions. Just kind of inserts per perfect time to put it in this conversation. Number one, what would you say to like, let's say some fathers are listening right now and they are just overwhelmed with guilt and go on like I've been a terrible father and maybe, you know, maybe they're way down the road on it.

00;21;03;16 - 00;21;24;20

Unknown

What would you say to them? And then second question for you really quick, How do we avoid the whole plug and play thing? Like I've seen that especially in like in the in the Christian world, in the church world, you know, plug these things in and you're going to get perfect kids and then and then people do that stuff and then, you know, a couple of kids go off the rails or they don't have the same value system as their parents.

00;21;24;20 - 00;21;26;17

Unknown

And then you go, well, it didn't work. So

00;21;26;17 - 00;21;33;11

Unknown

two questions, loaded questions. Number one, what would you say to fathers who are who are struggling with some guilt right now? And then secondly, the plug and play?

00;21;33;19 - 00;21;52;06

Unknown

Hey, from your No Gray Areas team, we just want to say thank you so much for listening. And if you're loving this episode, would you just take a moment and leave us a review and rating on whatever platform you're listening from? If you're watching on YouTube, make sure you hit that subscribe button so you don't miss out on the new podcast episodes that drop every other Wednesday.

00;21;52;08 - 00;22;03;25

Unknown

By leaving a review and subscribing, you help others discover our podcast Inspirational messages to effectuate positive change in their lives. Okay, let's jump back in to this episode.

00;22;04;09 - 00;22;11;03

Unknown

two questions, loaded questions. Number one, what would you say to fathers who are who are struggling with some guilt right now? And then secondly, the plug and play?

00;22;11;03 - 00;22;23;02

Unknown

You know, that's a great question. I'm reading a book here called Noble Journey by a guy named Craig Glass, who I met with recently.

00;22;23;14 - 00;22;25;25

Unknown

I'm going to write that book down. Keep going, Craig,

00;22;57;21 - 00;23;01;03

Unknown

All of us men. Wow. Yeah. Those

00;23;16;13 - 00;23;18;21

Unknown

going to. And so I can be overnight. There's

00;23;56;20 - 00;23;57;25

Unknown

for that come back.

00;23;57;27 - 00;24;00;27

Unknown

Yeah. Yeah. For that

00;24;29;00 - 00;24;31;14

Unknown

answer all the time. Yeah. Yeah. They'll come for

00;24;52;02 - 00;25;05;18

Unknown

it's just so packed with meaning what you just said. I mean I loved you're talking about the way you parent your six year old, eight year old, ten year old, 12 year old is going to have a lot to do with the relationship you have with them at 26, 27, 28 when they're when they're that age. Right?

00;25;05;25 - 00;25;27;16

Unknown

Absolutely. But then I love the hope that you just gave to I love the hope that you just gave. There's always time for a comeback when you just use the example of a dad saying, will you forgive me? Imagine the power of a dad who's been parenting this kid. Maybe that kid's 27 years old now and has never heard that man say those words.

00;25;27;18 - 00;25;42;09

Unknown

It may take him a while to to to learn that that that person really means it. But those words pack some power. If for the first time they came and say, hey, would you forgive me or hey, I want to become a better listener, whatever that might be. I love the hope in that. And if you really

00;25;42;09 - 00;25;46;25

Unknown

do want to come back, then you'll say it as often as it needs to be said.

00;25;47;12 - 00;26;06;22

Unknown

Or do you sound like a coach and you sound like a coach. If you really want this, you'll do what it takes. But you're right, you're right. Words are cheap. But but if you really deep, deep within your soul want it, you'll do whatever it takes. Yeah, good point. So what about that plug and play? You know, that's again, I grew up.

00;26;06;27 - 00;26;34;26

Unknown

I won't go into Christian schools. I taught in a Christian school. Love, love, love. 95% of everything was good. I look back on good, but there was these little percentages where I go, Oh, and one of them was I think there was a subtlety that was that was bought into like a plug and play like, I'm going to do this, which by the way, I don't think even fits theologically because if that was true theologically, God is the worst parent in the history of the universe because he is the only perfect parent and he has a lot of kids that reject him.

00;26;34;28 - 00;26;42;22

Unknown

So how do you speak into that whole thing of being careful where we don't say like, if you parent this, your kids will always turn out,

00;26;42;22 - 00;26;44;14

Unknown

parent this way. There is

00;26;54;26 - 00;26;56;06

Unknown

now Satan trying

00;27;33;02 - 00;27;33;09

Unknown

you know.

00;27;33;11 - 00;27;34;18

Unknown

Yeah, Yeah. You

00;28;43;20 - 00;28;47;02

Unknown

all these little matters suddenly taught so often, isn't it? It

00;29;12;22 - 00;29;32;05

Unknown

to fix it. That's so powerful. And that goes back to something you said earlier. If I'm you know, let's say you're my son and I'm your father, if we're on the same journey, like I'm not pretending that I've arrived, this goes back to you saying there's power in being transparent and rec and having your kids understand that you're broken, too, and you're on this journey.

00;29;32;08 - 00;29;47;29

Unknown

There's there's so much power in that. You're right. I think a lot of times as coaches and athletes, the reason there's a connection there is because the athlete knows we're on the same journey and we're sweating it out and working hard in the practices and doing what we need to do. But as a parent, that's so important for them to understand.

00;29;48;04 - 00;29;59;04

Unknown

And part of recognizing that too, we're on the same journey is for them to understand that you don't have it all together. You're working this out to and for them to get to see that. It goes back to something you said earlier. Love that.

00;29;59;04 - 00;30;11;13

Unknown

If you think about the things you what you'd want at your child to learn, you know, character, patience, overcoming, whatever, be deeper in the word or grow

00;30;11;13 - 00;30;13;18

Unknown

their faith or whatever it is

00;30;26;20 - 00;30;29;13

Unknown

in your faith. If you want your kids to be more patient,

00;30;38;17 - 00;30;47;09

Unknown

and see the struggle in that right to see. And that goes back to what you said earlier, that that is not I just wake up one day and I'm going to serve more.

00;30;47;12 - 00;30;56;10

Unknown

But they're watching dad or mom struggle through serving more. So they're seeing you serve more, but they're seeing that journey, too, and is so good. How many times have

00;30;56;10 - 00;31;02;15

Unknown

you heard this, Pat, that kids pick up way more from what they see you do

00;31;02;15 - 00;31;05;12

Unknown

than what they hear? Yeah, More is caught and taught, right? Yeah.

00;31;06;12 - 00;31;28;06

Unknown

Yeah. Oh, for sure. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. It's like me when I threw that lawnmower. I can tell my kids all the time, Don't lose your temper. But then when they watch me, you know. But. But then they don't. If I. If I ignored it and didn't let them see me in the struggle of trying to overcome my own temper issues, they were going to catch more of my boys.

00;31;28;06 - 00;31;36;21

Unknown

Just watch me do that for years. And I kept telling them, Don't lose your temper, don't lose your temper. And I got in trouble all the time. But they watched me lose my temper. Oh, I'm not helping too much. My,

00;31;36;21 - 00;31;45;08

Unknown

You know, one of the things that I encourage Dad to do, really pay attention to this needs to be a discipline for you is don't disqualify yourself.

00;31;45;11 - 00;31;47;19

Unknown

You know, we see that in the word. You know, when you're

00;31;47;19 - 00;31;49;21

Unknown

preaching. Yep. Yep. The lesson

00;32;23;26 - 00;32;26;06

Unknown

are you f ing do this? Or, you know, you

00;32;38;21 - 00;32;41;17

Unknown

your character. Yeah. And I see a ton

00;32;43;23 - 00;32;58;13

Unknown

Speaking to a little bit of and you've touched on this a little bit almost accidentally the stages of parenting because that's different to right. You know, I've heard different messages. I've given been messages in the past where a lot of times when your kids are little, you're a little more of a commander.

00;32;58;15 - 00;33;10;15

Unknown

You move into a little more of a role of a coach as they get older. And then, you know, with adult children, you have them. I have them now. Adult children. You're a little more of a counselor where you have to be a little more careful, like you're waiting for your kids to come in and ask for advice.

00;33;10;20 - 00;33;24;01

Unknown

But everything you've done in those younger years has built, whether you have a relationship, they're going to do that. What what do you see with the stages of of parenting? Because it is different, right? You're going to parent a three year old different, you're going to parent a 13 year old or an 18 year old.

00;33;24;01 - 00;33;29;17

Unknown

Yeah, you are. And there's certainly no magic science to it. It's

00;33;29;17 - 00;33;33;28

Unknown

More of an art I mean and every kid different. Yeah. Yeah. And you're going to

00;34;14;04 - 00;34;16;17

Unknown

you just got to speaking. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's

00;34;18;24 - 00;34;24;25

Unknown

that. Yeah, but. But we probably do that more often than we should a lot of times. Sure. Yeah. You're doing 100%

00;34;38;01 - 00;34;38;20

Unknown

And

00;34;38;20 - 00;34;51;21

Unknown

parents listening would just take that little piece of advice you gave is a parent who has adult children now we're helping with grandkids now. I love what you just said start moving them into that next stage before they're ready.

00;34;51;23 - 00;35;02;05

Unknown

That's a great principle. So you're you're challenging them, right? You're helping to challenge them and build them and grow them into what that next stage is going to involve.

00;35;02;05 - 00;35;12;04

Unknown

Yes. One of the things I think is a great another principle for a parent is let your encourage your kids by working outside their comfort zone.

00;35;12;06 - 00;35;31;22

Unknown

Every every kid, every family likes to stay in their comfort zone. So if you want your kid to work outside their comfort zone, you have to work outside your comfort zone. You have to model for them and you have to accept the fact that they could make some mistakes. In fact, part of you should desire that they make mistakes.

00;35;31;25 - 00;35;41;15

Unknown

And many times we want to, you know, like keep that path really nice. There's always success. We are robbing our kids of such great life lessons when we do that.

00;35;41;15 - 00;35;42;14

Unknown

But if we can

00;35;55;16 - 00;35;57;08

Unknown

and come back.

00;35;57;10 - 00;36;13;06

Unknown

And that goes back to what you said earlier about the roads. Like we tried to prepare the road rather than child for the road. So when we're like filling the potholes, trying to make sure that they don't have to make those mistakes and instead of journeying with them through that, that that goes back to that. I don't want my

00;36;13;06 - 00;36;30;07

Unknown

child to feel like they can't come home to me and say, Dad, I messed up. So there's only two reasons they would do that. Well, there might be more. But to me, number one, you haven't been given them permission to fail. I'd be the first one. And so they're afraid you're going to scream at them or whatever.

00;36;30;10 - 00;36;48;04

Unknown

Secondly, they feel like you're such a perfect dad. This is just going to disappoint you. Neither one of those should be present in a relationship with your kid. They need to know that they can fail and they need to know you're not perfect. So failure is just part of life

00;36;48;04 - 00;37;05;25

Unknown

that's so huge. So I look back now, I'm going to be a little transparent here. I look back in my childhood and I go, That's exactly what I learned and I connect to that to God. So through my toes I had to journey and really understand what Grace was and because I'd connect to that.

00;37;05;29 - 00;37;37;12

Unknown

So when I would fail, I would sometimes spend days before I would like, come to God with it. Instead of knowing that he always had open arms, he was always full of grace. But I had I had been modeled something from a father that it was like, I'm going to disappoint you. I'm going to be a disappointment so that, you know, what you're saying is so critical for parents and fathers, especially to do because you're helping those children not only bring those mistakes home to you, but you're also modeling what God is to them, that he's always going to have open arms.

00;37;37;12 - 00;37;42;03

Unknown

And we would both sit here and agree and a lot of people listening would agree that God never wants to shame

00;37;42;03 - 00;37;45;00

Unknown

us. That's not the way you have right now

00;38;05;04 - 00;38;09;22

Unknown

have on their on their job easier to get it than any other time in history. Yeah right.

00;38;32;02 - 00;38;34;00

Unknown

to without heaping shame. Yeah.

00;38;45;00 - 00;38;46;08

Unknown

the, that's yeah, that's

00;39;40;21 - 00;39;42;17

Unknown

Yeah. Either self. Yeah. From

00;39;44;28 - 00;39;46;00

Unknown

disappointed in. Yeah.

00;39;46;00 - 00;40;04;26

Unknown

in physical form, like he was: 2000

00;40;04;29 - 00;40;27;11

Unknown

When I realize that. I mean, it broke me because had walked around for a lot of my you can tell it still gets me emotional. But I'd walked around a lot of my life feeling that shame. So what the author of this book said, I completely believe that most men, I would say most humans walk around feeling that they just don't measure up.

00;40;27;11 - 00;40;30;09

Unknown

and if we're feeling that way, is it

00;40;30;09 - 00;40;35;11

Unknown

likely we we're projecting it projected onto our kids, right? And so we just.

00;40;41;13 - 00;40;44;03

Unknown

kills us. It just kills,

00;40;52;06 - 00;40;56;22

Unknown

Poor old as children or old enough for firstborns. He

00;40;57;25 - 00;40;59;14

Unknown

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's

00;41;17;27 - 00;41;41;00

Unknown

Yeah. Had had more of it. Yeah. Yeah. None of us are parents of parents of older. I've told my older children this. I've come back to him recently and said, Listen, I don't know when, but at some point I said something or did something that probably wounded you deeply. And I and I apologize for that. Please forgive me, because none of us as parents, by the time our kids are adults, look back and go, Hey, I did it perfect, right?

00;41;41;00 - 00;42;01;01

Unknown

We all have regrets and we all learned some things along the line. Like you said earlier, like every kid's differently. Let let me jump into this for just a moment. Some principles that parents could consider, some just some practical principles. You sent some to us via email. And I love some of them. Just, you know what? Yeah. Yeah.

00;42;01;07 - 00;42;12;15

Unknown

So, yeah, how about I'll read them and you you unpack them a little bit. So you talked a little bit about the first car. When you buy your first car for a child or you help them get their first car, you had a principle about that.

00;42;12;15 - 00;42;22;03

Unknown

know, I work in a school. It's a very affluent Christian school. And so so many 16 year olds are coming to come to school.

00;42;22;03 - 00;42;42;06

Unknown

And, you know, Range Rovers or whatever. And, you know, a lot of parents will defend that by Well, it's a safe car. That's true. It is a safe car. But here's two things that you should be you should consider. Number one, when they go on into life, you know, get a job and start working. What's higher than a Range Rover?

00;42;42;08 - 00;42;58;15

Unknown

You've already put them at the very top. There's something to be said for working. You know, you buy a Toyota or, you know, some $5,000 car and then you work and earn. Because one of my other principles here is that every 16 year old kid should have a job because

00;42;58;15 - 00;42;59;18

Unknown

so. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

00;42;59;18 - 00;43;00;15

Unknown

Lessons

00;43;03;04 - 00;43;05;05

Unknown

to teach it. Yeah. You know,

00;43;17;21 - 00;43;18;12

Unknown

life lesson.

00;43;18;12 - 00;43;19;08

Unknown

And yeah, you get to

00;43;19;08 - 00;43;21;16

Unknown

mentor it as opposed to try to teach it.

00;43;21;19 - 00;43;35;17

Unknown

some sometimes having like the kind of jobs a typical 16 year old gets, sometimes a lot of value. And then just kind of, you know, to be crass, kind of those crappy first jobs that people get. There's a lot of value in that, isn't it, working for bad poor managers and.

00;43;35;20 - 00;43;38;22

Unknown

Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah. But when you

00;43;38;22 - 00;43;43;19

Unknown

you you you, you what a great skill to teach your kid that.

00;43;43;19 - 00;43;57;21

Unknown

You know what, If you want a $7,000 car, go earn it. If you want a $10,000 car going, you gave your child no ability to move up. Now you might say, well, you can do that with anything. A car is such an identity thing for a teenager.

00;43;57;21 - 00;44;01;15

Unknown

Yeah, it's kind of a rite of passage, isn't it? Yeah. So, yeah, I don't think

00;44;05;29 - 00;44;08;17

Unknown

car. It's a great point. The second thing

00;44;37;27 - 00;44;40;25

Unknown

sense to to shoot low on this car.

00;44;47;11 - 00;45;00;19

Unknown

Yeah, because that's something we're going to struggle with throughout life is having our identity wrapped up in things. So maybe help them a little bit because we all there's some value in driving on that car, that first car.

00;45;00;22 - 00;45;21;01

Unknown

That was my story where I was almost a little embarrassed about it. I was certainly not going to have identity wrapped up in that. My son talks about my youngest son talks about By the time he had his first car, it had been handed down a few times. So he would always tell his friends she's like, Buckle up, because if I'm about to get sideswiped, I'm going to let it happen because I want to get the insurance for this piece of junk.

00;45;21;04 - 00;45;31;02

Unknown

So you also mentioned curfew and the value of a curfew, not so much for curfew sake, but for guardrails. Speaking of that, there

00;45;31;02 - 00;45;51;00

Unknown

there's a story I heard one time there was an elementary school that was built and it was near a really busy street. And so they let the kids all out on this field to play ball and whatnot. And the kids were terrified because of that, that that street. They were up against the building the whole time.

00;45;51;00 - 00;46;11;22

Unknown

They never move more than about 15 feet away from the building. And they had this just gorgeous feel they could play on. They put up a fence around this this area around the school now and then the kids were all over the place because that boundary created safety for them. That's it. That's just I think about what a boundary can do.

00;46;11;22 - 00;46;31;23

Unknown

It creates safety for your kids to really be free. Now, you might you know, kids might say, no, I can think of a lot of other things I'd rather be free in. Well, that's true because you're immature. You have a different perspective about what freedom really is. God wants us to have freedom, but he puts boundaries

00;46;31;23 - 00;46;33;20

Unknown

around him, right?

00;46;33;23 - 00;46;33;29

Unknown

There's

00;46;42;19 - 00;46;44;21

Unknown

that outside of these boundaries

00;47;03;16 - 00;47;09;02

Unknown

care about that. That's a telling statement. I want

00;47;21;04 - 00;47;39;13

Unknown

know, troubles and especially. Yeah, especially at that in those ages where they're. Yeah, they're, they're, they're thinking skills aren't always set the best when three guys are together and they're 17, 18, 16, 20. Yeah. Yeah. I mean you get three men together. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's true.

00;47;39;18 - 00;48;04;12

Unknown

True. It's our testosterone, you know, men. Tim, there's so much deep theological truth, not just with parenting, but about your whole statement about boundaries. Equal freedom. That's loaded. Can I read something? Because when you emailed this to me, I was on a plane to Brazil recently, and I'm almost 52, and I was thinking about this idea of guardrails or about boundaries.

00;48;04;15 - 00;48;22;29

Unknown

And so I wrote this. I'm just going to read it verbatim because it goes right along with what you said. I wrote No guardrails means no road, and no road means no direction. We want to believe that no rules, principles, values are where freedom is found. Instead, no guardrails only leads to lack of direction, disorientation, fear and confusion.

00;48;23;01 - 00;48;48;14

Unknown

The paradox is that guardrails and boundaries ultimately free us to live with direction, purpose and connection like guardrails. We think that they're there, they're inhibiting. But then I added this These guardrails channel our direction appetites, the channel, our appetites, keeping right desires toward what brings freedom and abundant life rather than bondage and death. You cannot have a yes without a no.

00;48;48;14 - 00;48;59;27

Unknown

And with God there is not just a no, but a better yes. That's the key, isn't it? And with a good parent, it's not just a no. There's a better yes with those boundaries. Yes, there is.

00;48;59;27 - 00;49;22;09

Unknown

And I'll give you an example, because you see this in high school all the time, along with the increased viewing of pornography. Unfortunately, most of our teenagers out there are experimenting sexually as well. And this whole hookup culture that's out there, when you talk about sex, that's God's creation.

00;49;22;11 - 00;49;25;09

Unknown

And he put it in this bucket of

00;49;25;09 - 00;49;27;07

Unknown

marriage, and

00;49;43;15 - 00;49;47;07

Unknown

of negative things.

00;49;49;23 - 00;49;54;05

Unknown

risks. Yeah. And stats even show that. Yeah it's I

00;50;09;17 - 00;50;14;00

Unknown

But like everything else in life, we like to take it and do our own way.

00;50;14;05 - 00;50;18;20

Unknown

Yeah, we've gone beyond the guardrails. Yeah, that God put it there.

00;50;32;07 - 00;50;34;19

Unknown

solid. Yeah, there's a, um.

00;51;21;17 - 00;51;23;28

Unknown

and like where they actually you

00;51;35;28 - 00;51;39;12

Unknown

exists, some stickiness going on in a relationship between a

00;51;57;24 - 00;52;19;15

Unknown

all things. Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah. Whether there stickiness or you know what. But you have to work through some stuff to get there, etc.. Yeah, the best for you wants the best for that man. This is why I believe and I say now often that the skeletal system of all our theology or beliefs should hang on to who is the goodness of God.

00;52;19;17 - 00;52;47;25

Unknown

Amen. Because if you if you and I think that's one of our enemies greatest tactics against us. You know, he used it at the very beginning, beginning of the narrative, the first few chapters. Right. Did he really say this? Was it really for your good? So what we're describing what we're talking about right here with guardrails and everything is if we really believe that that God is good and then we model this as parents, that we understand that anything he says no to is because it's going to hurt us.

00;52;47;27 - 00;53;08;22

Unknown

It's not it's not to ruin our life or make it miserable. There's actually a better there's a better version of it. Yeah. Yeah. Waiting for you. Yeah. One thing that I started to shift in my thinking is he's a yes God, not a no God. Sometimes when you read the Bible, you think he's just a no God. But the first couple chapters display that he said yes to everything and no to one thing.

00;53;08;25 - 00;53;27;17

Unknown

The one thing that he said no to is because he knew what. And here we're still are. You got to turn on the news today and find out what we're paying the price for it still. So he knew where that was going to go, but he said yes to so many things. And so he's a yes God. So when he put up like that illustration, use the boundaries for the kids, that playground, there was all kinds of yes, inside of that.

00;53;27;19 - 00;53;50;15

Unknown

They go over that fence. It's going to hurt him. That's a bad. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I love that. Is there anything else I want to jump into? We're going to finish up here with the teachers in line, but is there anything that you want to say? You you packed so much into this, Tim. I think some of our listeners are freaking out to go listen to this podcast two times or three times or go home where they can take some notes and write down some of this because you you gave us a lot of great information.

00;53;50;15 - 00;53;56;13

Unknown

Anything you want to share before we we, we finish up here, Do we miss anything? Well,

00;53;56;13 - 00;54;05;11

Unknown

you know, you always want whenever you're talking a lot of my principles, a lot of the things I truly believe, the things I believe that I've given to me, they work.

00;54;05;11 - 00;54;19;06

Unknown

Whether you're a believer in Christianity is important to you or not. However, there's a whole other level and dimension. I think that that is possible in a dad who has surrendered his life to Jesus

00;54;19;06 - 00;54;24;27

Unknown

Christ. And I agree there is just this, you know, there's principles

00;55;30;25 - 00;55;34;07

Unknown

much grace in my kids, so much grace when I've messed up.

00;55;41;03 - 00;55;45;11

Unknown

to do a perfect, huge, huge man. So, so well said.

00;55;45;13 - 00;56;02;27

Unknown

So well said to speak into that just briefly and I think make your point. I think one thing that it's helped me with because I'm a Jesus follower and a person of faith, like you said, where it's helped me with my dad being a better dad is being a Jesus. Followers help me take some of the masks off.

00;56;02;27 - 00;56;23;02

Unknown

We all wear masks, but I've grown to realize I don't have to wear this with God, which also is helping me walk with my kids. You know, as adults and hopefully my grandkids now too, and help them understand you don't have to wear a mask. All right. You made a mistake. We're going to work through. It doesn't change how I feel about you.

00;56;23;04 - 00;56;24;12

Unknown

If the author of this book,

00;56;24;12 - 00;56;42;05

Unknown

Craig is right and a lot of these men are walking around with wounds, sometimes from our own fathers, I, I would admit that as much as I love my father and he taught me so many things, I, I have some wounds from from my father. He's an earthly father. God is in the business of

00;56;42;05 - 00;56;43;02

Unknown

healing wounds.

00;56;43;04 - 00;56;44;20

Unknown

Yes, he is.

00;56;49;26 - 00;57;02;20

Unknown

So we'll said amen, man. That's one of the greatest hopes. So, you know, we always finish with two truths in a lie, which is ironic because we call this no gray areas, but we've we've sat with you for about an hour.

00;57;02;20 - 00;57;09;25

Unknown

I've actually had hours of conversation with you. We've had coffee a couple of times. So let's see if you can stop us. Two truths in a lie.

00;57;09;25 - 00;57;10;21

Unknown

Okay.

00;57;10;21 - 00;57;11;04

Unknown

So, you know,

00;57;11;04 - 00;57;14;15

Unknown

I'm a wrestler. Mm hmm.

00;57;34;21 - 00;57;38;27

Unknown

little bit older. Okay, Number two. That's good. Um,

00;57;55;02 - 00;57;56;26

Unknown

school. Yeah yeah

00;58;01;05 - 00;58;02;18

Unknown

them. In fact, even

00;58;06;04 - 00;58;08;12

Unknown

asking. Yeah, for just a little bit.

00;58;43;22 - 00;58;58;29

Unknown

dad. I only produce runner ups. Okay. Whoa. Those are good. You told me that you're competitive and you really thought this through. And I can tell you did. Those are good. So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to go with number two.

00;58;58;29 - 00;59;13;15

Unknown

I mean, try to get it down to: 5050

00;59;13;15 - 00;59;18;11

Unknown

but he missed my class a lot because he was playing golf all the time.

00;59;18;13 - 00;59;23;03

Unknown

There actually are some people in our school that still work. There that do have that

00;59;23;03 - 00;59;28;11

Unknown

relationship with them. Yeah. And talk regularly and provide advice and mentorship.

00;59;29;12 - 00;59;41;13

Unknown

me. Yeah. Okay. So but this is fun though. So number one is true. Yes, you did that. Wow. Okay. Big move in the world. No, but big respect.

00;59;41;13 - 00;59;59;04

Unknown

I get it. You know someone who isn't. If if there's younger people listening right now, they just have no idea how age starts catching up to you, especially as you get into your late thirties. So at 36, 38, competing at that level, that's wow. Okay, cool. And then so you are the runner up. That I am the runner up.

00;59;59;06 - 01;00;00;07

Unknown

That's awesome.

01;00;00;07 - 01;00;02;18

Unknown

I've had two sons placed second in the state

01;00;02;18 - 01;00;03;04

Unknown

to get

01;00;05;03 - 01;00;27;27

Unknown

Yeah, well, like you said earlier, though, didn't change how proud you are of them of one bit does it and placing second some times they always say that second is almost the hardest thing to take right because third you just barely made the the stand second you missed first place so you learn a lot of resiliency and overcoming skills, placing second on something

01;00;27;27 - 01;00;28;18

Unknown

you do.

01;00;28;18 - 01;00;29;05

Unknown

Yeah.

01;00;33;11 - 01;00;34;07

Unknown

destination. Yes.

01;00;50;24 - 01;00;51;18

Unknown

helping them,

01;00;53;07 - 01;00;53;24

Unknown

Yeah.

01;00;53;24 - 01;00;54;03

Unknown

All good

01;00;54;03 - 01;01;06;21

Unknown

Well, Tim, thank you so much for your time and your wisdom and sharing with us. And again, I think that to some of our listeners, or maybe have to go listen to this two times or three times and definitely get out a notepad and write some of this down. You shared some great principles, so appreciate it.

01;01;06;21 - 01;01;07;16

Unknown

Thanks, Jim. Well,

01;01;07;16 - 01;01;09;19

Unknown

thanks for having me. I really do appreciate it.

01;01;10;00 - 01;01;32;06

Unknown

Wow, what an impactful interview discussing the importance of intentional parenting with life coach and mentor Tim Welch. If you want to learn even more or connect with him, you can do so. On his coaching Instagram at Coach Dot Fort Life. That's at Coach Dot the number four dot life. And don't forget to comment below your thoughts on the episode.

01;01;32;06 - 01;01;38;10

Unknown

And as always, like follow and subscribe. We'll see you next time. No gray areas.