CHATS WITH PAT: Tips for Setting Healthy Boundaries | Ep. 59
High school sweethearts are uncommon nowadays, but 6th-grade sweethearts are even rarer. Recently, our host, Patrick McCalla was joined by his wife, Sharmin McCalla, on the No Grey Areas podcast to provide a unique “Question and Answer” interview on the key pieces of having a healthy marriage and maintaining your relational boundaries.
It’s a fact that your life is webbed together and held by all the relationships you have with others. These may be relationships you have with friends, family, your spouse, or coworkers.
However, in order for these relationships to thrive, it is essential to maintain healthy boundaries within them. But what really are boundaries? Is it selfish to have my own boundaries? How do you find a solution when someone is overstepping your boundaries?
Listen to this Long Chat with Pat episode on the 3 benefits of having healthy boundaries in your relationships.
Be sure to go back and listen in on Pat’s latest interview with his wife, Sharmin McCalla.
You can also watch the video version on our YouTube channel. Be sure to subscribe so you don’t miss out on the next inspiring and motivating interview!
https://youtu.be/C5ldmJKWrms
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The NO GREY AREAS platform is about the power, importance, and complexity of choices. We host motivating and informative interviews with captivating guests from all walks of life about learning and growing through our good and bad choices.
The purpose behind it all derives from the cautionary tale of Joseph N. Gagliano and one of sports’ greatest scandals.
To know more about the true story of Joe Gagliano, check out the link below!
Transcript
Speaker 1
No one is truly married until they understand what their spouse is not saying. Anybody who's in a marriage recognizes how true that quote is. But I would suggest that that's true of any relationship, whether you're talking about coworkers, friendships, family. No one is truly in a relationship until they understand what that other person is not saying. Relationships are one of the most important things that you and I as human beings deal with.
::Speaker 1
And I want to share with you three benefits that healthy boundaries will provide in any relationship. Recently on the Gray Areas podcast, we had my favorite guest of all time, and I really mean it because it was my wife. We sat down and we were talking about marriage, and one of the things that came up was the importance of boundaries.
::Speaker 1
But I again would suggest that boundaries are critical in any relationship, whether that be marriage, friendship, coworkers, boss, employee. They're critical for anything. So what are our boundaries? A boundary is a clear line. A boundary. You can almost imagine it like a property line. If you own property, you know that you have stakes in the ground, so to speak.
::Speaker 1
And if you're going to build anything that has to be done in your property line, not on their property line. Now, and I quote this, let me read something about how boundaries are connected to relationships in any relationship boundaries define where things like our personhood, our identity, our responsibility and our control begin and end relative to the other person.
::Speaker 1
A boundary line communicates what a relationship is from what it is not. That last part is critical. A boundary line communicates what a relationship is and what it is not. These are some questions, common questions that come up whenever we start talking about boundaries in relationships. Can I set limits and still be a loving person? What are legitimate boundaries?
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What if someone is upset or hurt by my boundaries? How do I answer someone who wants my time, Love, energy or money? Aren't boundaries selfish? Why do I feel guilty or afraid when I consider setting boundaries? Now I don't have time to answer all of these, but I strongly suggest reading this book or listening to the audiobook. You'll see a picture of it on the screen.
::Speaker 1
Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Book titled Boundaries. It's amazing. They actually turned it into a series of books. Boundaries on dating Boundaries and Friendships, Boundaries and marriage. I would encourage you to read those, but let me share with you again three benefits. Healthy boundaries will create benefit number one responsibility. Again, it's like a property line. I am responsible for what's in my property.
::Speaker 1
You are responsible for what's in your property. Boundaries. And again, I quote boundaries helps us to both not relinquish our own personal responsibility while also protecting us from not enabling someone else's poor choices. I have to read that again because you have to get that. Boundaries. Help us both not relinquish our own personal responsibility while also protecting us from not enabling someone else's poor choices.
::Speaker 1
A silly story with this was years ago when Shah and I, my wife and I were going through this this study with boundaries. And one of the things she recognized is that she was going to put up a boundary where when I was having a bad day, it didn't mean she had to have a bad day. It's a silly illustration, but it had a profound impact in our relationship.
::Speaker 1
And to be honest, I was a little frustrated early on because when I came home and I was frustrated, I had a bad day. I assumed she should be having a bad day with me. But that was her boundary to say it's okay if you're having a bad day, but it doesn't have to ruin my day. See, my bad day was within my boundary and her choosing to not have to have a bad day because of my bad day was within her boundaries.
::Speaker 1
And so there's a sense of responsibility. It's one of the benefits. A second benefit of boundaries is freedom. Freedom in two ways. Freedom for me to fix what's on my property and freedom to let go of what's on someone else's property. Let me go back to that silly illustration that Shah recognized years ago that my bad day didn't have to infringe on her day.
::Speaker 1
And what that really did was that Sharman was putting a boundary up that helped me realize it was my responsibility to deal with my bad day, not her responsibility. And so there's freedom, freedom for me and freedom for the other person in that relationship. On how we deal in our relationship regarding boundaries. Boundaries provide freedom boundaries. Number three, the benefit is respect.
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n the depth of this. You see,: ::Speaker 1
He was writing a group of people in Philippi, and it is a great passage in Philippians chapter two. He said, Have this attitude in yourselves, which was also in Jesus. What attitude was he talking about? He was talking about humility. And he actually defines humility as this. He says humility is putting the needs of others in front of your own.
::Speaker 1
It's other folks. I can promise you I can guarantee you that in any of your relationships, whether we're talking about friendships, coworkers, boss, employee, spouses, children, family, that when you are other focus, it will have a profound impact. But what boundaries do is they make sure that we don't move from being other focused to other controlled. It respects the fact that I'm going to be other focused, but I'm not going to be other controlled.
::Speaker 1
It's mutual respect. I will respect others by not trying to control them, and I will respect myself by not allowing them to control me. I can be other focused, but I'm not going to be able to control. Healthy boundaries are critical for any healthy relationship. Let me just give you a warning, though. There are some who begin to deal with boundaries in relationships, and the danger is you can become very selfish in that you start putting up all kinds of boundaries and you quit being other focused.
::Speaker 1
So let me just give you that warning. However, healthy boundaries, healthy, healthy, healthy boundaries will actually increase our ability to care, respect, honor and love those in our relationships. Growing up, I often heard that divorce is always two people's fault. The broken relationships is always two people's fault. Enough. Life, time and observing has made me realize how one true that is.
::Speaker 1
I've recognized that one person can ruin a relationship. One person can make a relationship toxic. But let me let let me read this truth that life has displayed to me. A relationship can be unhealthy and toxic because of one person's poor choices. However, a truly healthy relation ship is always a result of two people mutually respecting and growing together.
::Speaker 1
Let me say that again a relationship can be unhealthy and toxic because of one person's poor choices. However, a truly healthy relationship, whether we're talking friendship, coworkers, spouses, children, is always a result of two people mutually respecting and growing together. We'd love to hear from you. Comment below or email me at info at No gray areas dot com like Follow.
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